I think I found my gold.


After crossing the rainbow, there is a little land, filled with little people. These little people are very friendly. They tell me about their simple lives and they showed me their precious Rose.

I was bought to the top of the mountains to see The Rose. There, it stood magnificently, with her petals fully bloomed. The gold is there, in a kind of form she needs, fertilizing her and burying the ugly part of her roots.

I was perplexed and confused. Why is the gold not in the pot? Why is it not in an attractive solid form? I have got so many questions but I don’t how to begin, because The Rose and these people all seem to think that this is alright to use the gold as the soil. I do not wish to upset these people by telling them how gold in my world looks like.

Every day, I followed these people up to the mountain. While they worship the Rose, I only had my eyes at the soil. Perhaps it was because I have come this far, I wasn’t prepared to leave without my questions answered. So after familiarizing the route to the mountains, I went up myself that night.

I look at the gold and asked why it had to sacrifice and become dust. I asked if it not knows how powerful it can get if it is in a solid state. I offered to melt it to liquid allowing it to be in solid state again. Thereafter, I can bring the gold back to my world where people worship and worked hard for it instead.

It declined and explained that the Rose is the only hope and the pillar of faith to these little people in the land. If it transformed into solid and leave, the Rose will wither. Little people will not survive without the rose. I would have got hurt by the torns in the process as well.

I was upset and it was right that there is nothing I can do about it because the element of soil does not exist in this land. There is no way I can change it away without withering the Rose.






Have a little faith, they always said.

And you clinched on tight to that bit of hope, so that it gives you just enough energy to get through the journey.

But what happens if the pot of gold is not there at the end?

You feel angry, because you were led to believe. Then you feel foolish, for having faith in something that is non-existence. And most of all, you feel upset, because you cant find any reason to believe again.

Will you continue to search for the gold and risk to feel foolish again? Or you would rather not search for it anymore and keep that bit of dignity?

Say, you choose to keep your dignity, throwing faith and gold out of the window. You perhaps have successfully protected yourself, but you feel empty and loss because your source of energy is gone. You have got nothing to look forward to, except just to keep yourself alive.

Today, I choose to believe again and search on different route. Please do not make me feel foolish, again.

如果你是一把雨伞，你会希望自己是把瘦长，雪白的雨伞，还是一把善解人意及使用的折伞呢？

曾经有位作家运用这样的形容方式来形容两种不一样的女人。她说，瘦长雪白的伞，就像鹤立鸡群的美女，艳压全场。虽然雪白可爱受人欢迎，但它却偏偏不耐看。用久之后，经过风吹雨打，颜色从白变黄，像有了皱纹和雀斑似的。哪里比得上折伞的善解人意啊?

于是，她便动手制招各种机会，左摆右搁，费劲心思想让它静静地消失。以为可以处理到大家不伤感情，无痛分手。但是，夕日的心头号，怎么可能无痛呢？

失宠的人最敏感，伞也有自尊。有一天，它竟然突如奇来的消失，完全不费她一点心思。

问题是，等一等；她还没做好心理准备。它怎么能没经过她的同意就玩失踪呢? 于是，作者便花劲心思想把它找回来。

书店，巴士站，餐厅。。。 到地在哪儿呢？

结果， 真是峰回路转，她竟然在电影院把它找回，大团员结局。小别新欢，它在那里苦着副嘴脸，等着她良心发现。

仔细想想，其实不关是花容月貌还是其貌不扬的女人，恋爱时，大家都是平等的。就算结果不理想, 对方出轨，只要真心付出，问心无愧，下一次一定能理直气壮地再恋爱。你说对不对？

你会是个怎么样的女人?

你是否渐渐已经没有向对方要求永远的勇气?

也许，大家都会觉得你是个聪明以级实际的女人。因为你从不奢望永恒，和你在一起的男人也会觉得自由，舒服，没有负担。

就连自己有时候也会被群众影响，也误以为自己有多神圣。

但是男人啊，他们永远都看不懂。嗨。。又是另一个"永远"，这两个字有多可恶啊。

其实，事实是，你早已没有勇气要求。 因为你害怕。

不管是害怕他信口开河得随口答应，还是害怕他坦然的告诉你永远有多么的不切实际，你就是害怕。而并不是大家或自己偶尔认为的聪明和理智。

害怕的是那种失望后的失落。那种感觉，就好像沙漏里的沙。充满希望的你，仿佛就像存满沙子的那一端。当希望破灭失落的时候，沙漏倒转，存满的沙子慢慢的流失，直到失落的感觉慢慢把你陶空为止。

如果，你不是以上讨论的女人，那么恭喜你。你也许是个勇敢但却带一点笨拙的女人。你是否很幸福呢? 是否已经有人答应给你永远了呢?

I read a chinese love novel a few days ago, during a night shift.

However touched I was, the story was rather absurd to me.

The writer seems to left out a lot of details. Like how they fall in love, why did they felt certain feelings and what were they thinking each time when they decided to leave.

Instead, the writer just merely illustrate how they left and came back to each other everytime.

I recalled, lamenting once to you on how these novels bewildered me. I remembered, too, when you laughed and explicate that I was not matured enough to read in between the lines, and that I was insecured by nature, subconciously only willing to comprehend formulated facts.

Though perplexed, I find myself tearing involuntarily at the end of the story this time, ironically, when the man died.

I dont know what stirred me.

Maybe the words used were too beautiful, in a sad way. Maybe I have become matured, and understood a little after all.

Or maybe, it is just simply because you were not there to listen this time, or ever again.

The Beautiful Distance


I walked passed a book store a few days ago, while I was wandering aimlessly in a mall.

This book at the window of the store instantly caught my attention; Chemistry – Theory of Electron Distributions.

Instinctly, I recalled one of the Chemistry lessons about Electrons I enjoyed so much back then.

Electrons all have a defined area where they will reside in. This vicinity is known as density clouds. As electrons often exist in pairs, clouds belonging to the pair will be overlapped. The reason why electrons often exist in this manner is because of the two distinctive forces between them - attraction and repulsion.

Electrons are attractive to each other due to the presence of gravitational force on earth. They are, at the same time, repulsive to each other because there are electro-negativity forces as all electrons are negatively charged. Thus, the net value of these opposing forces, if you can imagine, illustrates the area of the overlapped clouds and hence determines the distance between both electrons.

These pairs of electrons orbit around the atoms in a sterically structured manner such that the repulsion forces are minimized. Atoms then come together to form every single matter and life on earth like you and me.

Electrons are funny stuff. The distinctive distance that exists between them can be no lesser or more than what the net charge of the two forces insist.

If you have not died of boredom and are still following – It soon occurs to me that this repulsion theory applies in life as well.

When two people come together and interact, there has to be too, a distinctive distance. No doubt that there are some things they have to share, just like how clouds of electrons have to overlap, it is however not positive to be too close, because that would make either party be repulsive towards the other.

But of course, it is not healthy to be too far away either because you might lose the attraction. In other words, you've got to watch the distance.

Same goes to the things that people want to achieve. Sometimes, it seems like the harder you try to chase after, the further it seemed to become. People often forget the repulsive forces that exist.

If people can remember to let go and allow things to work spontaneously, forces of attraction, if there is any, would resume and things might work out just fine. And if they don’t, perhaps it is just not meant to be. Anymore going after would hence be futile.

I guess, its time to let go.

So, have you checked your distances today?


p.s. Tell me how to not be fascinated with Chemistry.

And the dinner ended, in a peculiar way.

Not that it had begun in the usual comfortable manner though.

It began with a handshake, an introduction and stumbling through the bustling streets of Little India.

I could never get accustom to having dinner uncomfortably with strangers, especially with someone who is of this superiority. I always thought that a dinner should be a relaxed and an enjoyable process, not which one should constantly restraint thoughts and body languages so that the other parties on the table would be pleased.

In another words, I hate socializing, at least not over dinner.

But when he starts to talk, it feels kind of different from what I have expected, the usual solemn and awkward silence. He's a natural speaker, fun-loving and adventurous. His experiences are entertaining and he leads excellently. He deemed every intangible asset as Energy. He believes in making every moment memorable. He is lively, so much so I thought he is going to dance to some Indian music the next minute after dinner.

Really, it has been quite a while since I have last come across someone who lives in such a dynamic manner.

But what really makes me feel like writing tonight is, the one question he asked.

The question that I have been pondering for quite a while since graduation. Something which my parents have never bothered to ask me. It is also the reason why I stopped studying altogether and so often sought solace in drinking after graduation because I simply could not figure out.

He asked, if I have thought of whom I want to become. I replied, not yet.

He looks as if he was expecting something much more. I repeated, this time emphasizing, not yet.

It seems like he've gotten my drift. That I meant I needed time.

I wondered what triggered him to ask. Because I looked amateur? Or probably because I look as if my life is a complete fiasco, even before it has even really begun.

Actually, I was taken aback by the sudden probe. Coming from him, it sounds so simple and absolute. And I almost wanted to blurt out, except that KC was there, it feels kinda weird.

To be honest, I have never thought that I would end up here. I always thought that I would venture into something that means a lot to me, a job that would keep me going not because of the money but the meaning behind it. Something that could make me feel so overwhelmed with passion and that I could simply indulge in the whole affair.

Not that I am unhappy about my current situation, do not misunderstand me. Of course, I'd have my fair share of difficulties but still, I am happy with the people I am working with and I am able to keep myself pretty much alive without any worries.

But then, my definition of a job is that it is suppose to follow you for a lifetime and it should be much more. Something is lacking now, and with my limited vocabulary, I can't seem to point out the exact missing puzzle.

There are just so many things in life I do not understand and everyone seemed too busy to be bothered with.

I could take in concrete facts easily; comprehend any system, principle or theory without much difficulty because they are logical and predictable. But not nonchalance and intangible stuff like relationships; love.

Maybe I should start to accept that not every phenomenon has a rationale or theory behind it and that some things just happen spontaneously.

It’s not like I will be able to fall asleep better if someone walks over and tell me it’s okay, that these are part of growing up.

But still, it would be really sweet if that happens.

Good Night.

I went for a swim today. And then I went to run, and then to swim again. After so much, I believe I would be rational enough.

Enough; to give an account to people who cared and loved me. I should apologise too, for the recent bizarre behaviour.

You ought to know as well.

I thought I finally met someone. I thought confidently, that we would work out. And even after realising that there was someone else, I still thought that you would choose me over her. Oh how confident I was.

You asked me what is our problem. The problem is you don't see what is the crux of the problem. You think its fine if for things to be this way. That I ought to hide myself when she is avaliable, and appear when she's not.

Sometimes I wonder, would I not feel this awful if I am willing to condone your behaviour, to let you have your way.

But I know this is not right. I am not sure though, if its worth it to feel so hurt just to make the right decision.

At the end of the day, even if I am all torn up and wrecked, I am glad I followed the dictates of my conscience. And I guess, perhaps this is all that matters.

Thats why, I left.

I once read that there was a girl who punched into the mirror so hard that her fist wouldn't stop bleeding. She told everyone that she did this because she wanted to see what's behind the mirror. But the truth is, she couldnt bear to see her own reflection and feel the disfamiliarity tearing her up. She wanted to punch the mirror so hard that the mirror broke into pieces and she could use them to cut herself.

She wanted to feel pain so that whatever she is feeling inside would be justified.

Words are like net trying to capture feelings, they can only express this much. So what about those that are left behind?

I need some distraction.

Badly.

Help.

Procrastination is the thief of time.

How very true.

But I guess "Procrastination is the keeper of fats" sounds more appropriate for me.

I always have excuses to not go swimming after work. It is too late. There would be hundred and one hormone over-flowing jerks around at this time. That fellow who offers to teach me swim when he looks like a silly starfish himself when trying to swim in frog style will be there. I'll go the next week when I get to knock off at 430. I'll go if the next person that enters the train is a guy with red hair. I'll go if the clouds on the left corner of my eye start to shape like stars.

And so, with all the above, it wasn't long before the fats at the adipose tissues in both my arms overflowed. Having no intention to disgust the next guy who tries to check me out with my elephant-trunk-like arms, I was determine to go for a swim today.

And I have yet to complain about that God forsaken pair of thighs that I have. He must have forsaken them, if not, why aren't their circumference decreasing???

It has been quite sometime since I have last swam. Just barely after 2 laps, I could feel my heart slamming vigorously on my ribcage, like as if I was on my first date.

If you have ever been to a public pool, you'd realised that there is a traffic flow in the entire pool. (I guess I had too much of LTA recently.)

Anyway, there would definitely be a two-way traffic established in the pool, horizontally, if you could imagine. Everyone, including me was abiding by this traffic; except for this one guy with long oily hair wearing poke dots swimming trunks. Instead of going with the flow, he swam vertically across the pool, knocking into and irritating every single person he come across that was swimming with the normal flow.

If you can imagine how irritating that was, you'd have started cursing already. The thing is you cant really talk without having the water gushing into your mouth while swimming. Hence, the only thing that us, the irritated people, could do was to swear and curse silently.

I have always admire daring individuals who stand out of the crowd and be true to themselves. But hey, not that literally alright?

And when he is swimming across vertically, the outline of his body across the pool is much visible to everyone who was swimming the other way. I bet he didn't realised that his tummy appears to be so swollen, so much so that I think there is enough room for a two cats.

As Mr Poke Dot knock into that hot guy on my left lane for the 5th time, I think, he had enough. I could tell he was so ready to shoot him with a bazooka even when his goggles covered half of his face. And so, when he was forcefully stopped to let Mr Poke Dots pass by, he pointed his middle finger at him.

It was as if he expressed what somewhat 15 people in the pool has been suppressing within them for the pass 30 minutes. For a moment, I thought I heard everyone scream in unison "yeah, that's the way". I had the urge to give him a high five for that.

And after all the hoo-haa, guess what?

Mr Poke Dots continues his next lap without changing his direction.

And if Mr Poke Dots think he is so cool because he kind of went against the whole world, really, somebody ought to tell him that he should at least slim down that tummy before doing this.

Let the poor cats out first please.

Sometimes I wondered if my mother has pictured how I'd be like when I grew up. Has she ever looked at my minuscule fingers, feeling the firm grip on her index finger when I was a baby and wondered how would be it be like for me to hold her with my long, slender and butterfly like fingers when I grew up?

Truth is, I never held her.

We were never close enough to not feel awkward about holding each other.

Was she disappointed? I never found out.

It seems like the more I tried to make her feel proud of me, the more disappointment I caused. Was she the one who does not understand me? Or was I the one not understanding her? I've never find that out either.

You could never get over disappointment, nor you could over anger. You thought you'd forgive and go on. But truth is, most of the time, you've never really moved on. Anger and disappointment lie low - like a cobra, waiting to attack at any moment when you least expect of it.

I am a G6PD deficient. When I was a newborn, I have to be kept in a transparent cube with ventilators and lights shone on me. Everyday, my mother said, she would visit and look through the glass panel, wondering when will I grew out of it.

I wonder if my mother, too, had felt like Pandora, after she bought me home from that cube, wished that she have first scrutinized the contents - heartache, cleverly disguised as a gift.