I am not happy today. I faked my smiles.

I had a quarrel with Cherlle. I wouldnt talked about who's right and wrong. Naturally I would tend to believed that I am not in the wrong. Who wouldnt thought of that in a quarrel? I dun feel like risking myself to defame her subconsiously.

Everyone had their weakness. I had a fair share of them too. I seriously cant take it when someone who is dear to me, screamed at me. I would literally broke down. Of course, if it was some other morons, I would have slapped him or sth.

I remembered the first time cherlle screamed at me in Far East, I cried. Laugh all u want. I am not afraid to admit.

What can I do when courage refused to meet me when I needed it? It seems like everytime when I tried to made courage to hold back my tears, it would ironically vanished into thin air, as if i had never possess it before.

I am extremely tired of being who I am. I dun feel like appearing as a very strong person to everyone anymore. Because apparently one who seemed strong cannot break down, they cannot afford to cry at the things that had greatly upset them. They have to be prepared for quarrels and fights in every minute of their life.

Why? Because they are supposed to be strong.

Once they broke down and cry, it means defeated. They will be laughed at. Idoits will start telling them that they are whimps and cowards.

I always feel that weaklings are fortunate because no one will bother to make a big fuss if they ever cried. It may sound absurd but its true.

I did not cry this time though. Instead, I was taken aback when I heard myself shouting back at her. Perhaps we are not as close anymore, or maybe courage decided to meet me this time round. I choose to believe the latter though.

It is always that strange. Whenever I had a quarrel with sumone, I always tried hard (and i mean fucking hard) to think of the things he or she had done for me. So that my anger would be appeased. But I found nothing. It felt like an out stretch hand, grasping something frantically in the thin air. Unfortunately, the quarrel must have sealed that part of my memories.

On the other hand, bad things surfaced itself one after another. Strange huh?

At times like this, I really wished that I had a guyfriend with me so that I can fill him in with things about the quarrel, my feelings and all.

I cant posssibly go running to some of my girlfriends and tell them this. I am a women myself, I know that if they ever hear of this, they would see me as bitching about cherlle. I would have unknowingly defamed myself.

But a guyfriend would take this apporach in a totally different manner. They would know that all I need is a listening ear. They also understand that everything I've said was in the fit of anger. The best thing is that, they would neva take these things into consideration and judge Cherlle from there.

Indeed, God's creations are wonderful.

However, I do not seem to have such guyfriends. Thus, I turned this avenue instead.

Did u guys ever watched Man in Black? I know its a pretty old show. They always have this flashlight with them. This flashlight always comes in handy when they have to erased memories of aliens from civilians. A flash mades them forget things that happened an hour ago.

I wished I have one of that. Whenever I had quarrels, I would flash myself with that. Seconds later, things would be forgotten. And all that was left are beautiful and nice.

But of course, that was just a wish. A foolish one I guess.